Monday, June 26, 2006

How To Tell You Really Are In Your 40's

I'm knitting the poncho. It's like death march knitting. Knit, knit, knit, increase a couple times knit some more. It's killing me. I'm so glad I have a limited number of small children in my life, 'cos I can't do more ponchos.

I think I'm too old for small children. I have to just give in to my forties. Here are some ways that I can tell I'm in my forties.

  1. I have absolutely no desire to have any more children.
  2. My hormones suck.
  3. My teenage son's hormones suck even more. At least with teenage girls there is a cycle. Puberty for boys is like random, bizarre PMS that can crop up at any time.
  4. Odd stray hairs in odd places. My Tweezerman tweezers are with me always for those times when I put my hand on my neck and realize I'm becoming a billy goat.
  5. I can't stay up past midnight without paying for it the next day. Even when there were no adult beverages involved.
  6. I live in a world where clothing stores only stock things for frumpy older women or hookers. I can't seem to find clothes I like anywhere. I am not wearing sparkles, low cut shirts or mini-skirts. On the flip side I have no interest in wearing "holiday" sweaters with appropriate motifs. No Uncle Sam sweater or shirt in my drawer for next week. Every woman I know including me is wearing basically the same clothes from Ann Taylor every day. We try not to wear the exact same outfit on the same day but once in a while, two of us show up at the office wearing the same Gap khakis and white blouses from Ann Taylor. We look ridiculous.
  7. If I eat after 8 pm I get heartburn.
  8. I want Brittany to cover her pregnant breasts on t.v. I don't care if she is "just people".
  9. I think I'm smarter than most 20 somethings just because I'm older. I hate this, I promised myself I would never be this way.
  10. I don't really care about climbing the corporate ladder any more. I like my job as it is and my personal and family time is more important to me than work.
  11. I hate most of my son's music. I wouldn't recognize the Black Eyed Peas if they ran me down on the sidewalk. I could pick Joe Perry from Aerosmith out of a crowd from seven blocks away though.
  12. I am really content most of the time. I never felt content in my youth.
  13. I rarely want to go out on a Saturday night. I don't feel like I'm missing anything and I love being at home knitting.
  14. I cut people a lot more slack than I used to. I try to believe that people have the best of intentions in everything they do.
  15. I have stopped waiting to feel like a grown up. I'm never going to feel like a grown up and I'm not sure that I ever want to.
  16. I've got a mid-life crisis convertible on order at the car dealership.

How did you know you'd reached the age you are?


Amy said...

OK, now that I've stopped laughing long enough to respond...I'm with you on most things. But my midlife crisis car, purchased a week ago, is a Gecko Green VW Bug. And I actually do like some of the current music. Not Black Eyed Peas, though.

But otherwise? We could have been separated at birth based on our feelings about being in our forties!

Chris said...

Oh, Kate, that's a great list! Damn those strange bristley hairs - my tweezers are close to hand all the time, too. Ack.

Oops, up past my bedtime, gotta go...

Sydney said...

Kate, that list is too funny! I think I live in the land of holiday sweaters and sweatshirts. I have no desire to wear them. And the stray hairs drive me crazy too.

Helen said...

But you are 'smarter than most 20 somethings just because I'm older': that's why you cut people a lot more slack than you used to. And no, you're never going to feel like a grown-up, but that's not a bad thing. As Dylan sang, I was older then, I'm younger than that now.

Beth said...

I love your list! Just yesterday I was thinking how awful I'm going to look when I'm too old to tweeze. For me, reality hit when I had to start taking daily medicine. I don't want to be like my parents and in-laws and have tons and tons of medicine to take.

Knittymama said...

Kate, you're too funny! I needed the laugh! I knew I had hit my 30's when I started calling students at the U "kids" and when I noticed I was saying things like:
"It makes Mommy feel very angry when you throw your lunch all over the floor."
"You need to eat more than cheese"
"Do you have to make a poop?"
God, I have WAY to many conversations about poop!

Jeanne said...

Which mid-life crisis convertible did you order? My "10 year high school reunion" convertible is getting old. Time to buy a new one.

Lynae said...

I found you through the SP8 participants list.

OMG, EVERY item on your list is on mine except for the tolerance. I have become more intolerant and just want people to leave me alone!

My new mid-life convertible is being delivered tomorrow!

Mia said...

All I can say is "AMEN SISTAH"

::raising my glass:::


Anonymous said...

I have to figure out a way to sleep on my back because I'm getting a permanent dent in my face from sleeping on my side. (It used to smooth out. Now it won't go away.)

I can't believe the things we have in common. Your One Skein SP.

Kate said...

Okay, my One Skein SP brought up a good point. An item I forgot. I can't sleep on my left side because of the acid reflux that goes with being 40 something, so my left side is crushed. I need a hip replacement and new ribs. My mid-life crisis convertible is a VW Eos which is now apparently being built in Portugal. This week, I'm very tempted to say screw the convertible, keep my mommy van and buy a Honda Scooter to satisfy my midlife crisis.

Karen said...

Too funny!! We match on everything but the last, no mid-life crisis and no convertible for me.

Tygher Knits said...

I think some of your reasons even work for me, and I'm only Twenty-eleven. ;) I like this post though .. I'm going to have to come up with my own list.