I think I'm too old for small children. I have to just give in to my forties. Here are some ways that I can tell I'm in my forties.
- I have absolutely no desire to have any more children.
- My hormones suck.
- My teenage son's hormones suck even more. At least with teenage girls there is a cycle. Puberty for boys is like random, bizarre PMS that can crop up at any time.
- Odd stray hairs in odd places. My Tweezerman tweezers are with me always for those times when I put my hand on my neck and realize I'm becoming a billy goat.
- I can't stay up past midnight without paying for it the next day. Even when there were no adult beverages involved.
- I live in a world where clothing stores only stock things for frumpy older women or hookers. I can't seem to find clothes I like anywhere. I am not wearing sparkles, low cut shirts or mini-skirts. On the flip side I have no interest in wearing "holiday" sweaters with appropriate motifs. No Uncle Sam sweater or shirt in my drawer for next week. Every woman I know including me is wearing basically the same clothes from Ann Taylor every day. We try not to wear the exact same outfit on the same day but once in a while, two of us show up at the office wearing the same Gap khakis and white blouses from Ann Taylor. We look ridiculous.
- If I eat after 8 pm I get heartburn.
- I want Brittany to cover her pregnant breasts on t.v. I don't care if she is "just people".
- I think I'm smarter than most 20 somethings just because I'm older. I hate this, I promised myself I would never be this way.
- I don't really care about climbing the corporate ladder any more. I like my job as it is and my personal and family time is more important to me than work.
- I hate most of my son's music. I wouldn't recognize the Black Eyed Peas if they ran me down on the sidewalk. I could pick Joe Perry from Aerosmith out of a crowd from seven blocks away though.
- I am really content most of the time. I never felt content in my youth.
- I rarely want to go out on a Saturday night. I don't feel like I'm missing anything and I love being at home knitting.
- I cut people a lot more slack than I used to. I try to believe that people have the best of intentions in everything they do.
- I have stopped waiting to feel like a grown up. I'm never going to feel like a grown up and I'm not sure that I ever want to.
- I've got a mid-life crisis convertible on order at the car dealership.
How did you know you'd reached the age you are?