My New Healthy Lifestyle is Killing Me

I really tried to take a picture of my three-hour hair, but I look like absolute hell. My new healthy lifestyle is killing me. My friend's doctor told her, "how you take care of yourself in your 40's will dictate how you live in your 60's". I have no empirical evidence to support this statement, but it seems reasonably sound. I haven't heard any doctors say that your 40s should be a time to smoke, drink, eat what you want, etc. (If you have a doctor that will tell me this, please e-mail. My health plan is pretty liberal on which doctors I see and I'm open to change) So since December 1st I have:

1. Given up smoking just because I don't want to die an untimely death. My family was surprised by this decision as it breaks with tradition. Most of my family members wait until they have a heart attack or stroke before quitting.
2. Started eating breakfast at home. I've been eating yogurt and a little cereal rather than going through the McDonald's drive through for breakfast.
3. Bringing Lean Cuisine to the office for lunch. This is mostly because I'm sick to death of paying $7 a day for mediocre (I'm being kind here) cafeteria food at the office.
4. I've stopped drinking caffeine after noon. I'm not a conspiracy theorist but I don't think it's any coincidence that everyone needs Prilosec now that there is a Starbucks on every corner. I can do a double shot of espresso at 9 o'clock at night and fall asleep at 10, don't get me wrong but my stomach lining was screaming for mercy.

In the words of my boss, "Holy Hannah why don't you warn us ahead of time when you are going to try this stuff!?" Let me tell you all the gains I've made through my sacrifices:

1. I have gained 9 pounds.
2. I am a big bloated mess.
3. I have zits. Every day a new one.
4. I want a nap by 3:00 every afternoon because I'm off the vital 'eines (nicotine & caffeine). I fall asleep on the couch about 9 pm.
5. We have a new phrase at the office, "Lean Cuisine will make you mean"

So today, I got out of bed early, put on my sweats and left the house at 6:30. To work out. My calves are killing me. I'm just saying right now, you will have to pry the wine bottle out of my cold dead hands. There are some things I'm just not giving up.